Welcome
to my blog.
I have no idea how to introduce myself but I'm going
to give it a go anyway.
You can enjoy this first post, I suppose. It
will be nothing more than an partial explanation of myself and what has made me
who I currently am.
The Basics
It's always a great idea to begin with the basics. My
name is Ellie, or Eli. I'm genderfluid so don't be surprised if I sign
posts with fluctuating names. Some say I'm well-spoken for a
fifteen-year-old state school student but I see no reason for that being said.
In person I'm your typical west of Scotland adolescent with a knowledge
of all the slang terms, therefore a well-spoken student is not exactly an
accurate assumption. As previously stated, I live on the west coast of Scotland,
specifically in North Ayrshire. It's not the nicest area in Scotland if
I'm honest. You can ask anyone who lives nearby and they'll just cry.
There are no words that can explain the pain of living in such an area.
Although I live in Ayrshire now, I was born in the Veil of Leven in
Dumbarton and spent my first two years (and nine months if we're being
specific) in Oban which is where my dad is from. My parents thought of it
as a great idea to move from a place filled with nature and
stillness to a place where there's a drug raid every second night - nice.
On to another entirely pointless fact about me: my birthday is on
November 18th (1999). It is also the day my dad locked himself out of his
car with my gran (mum's mum) - Well Done Father. I also have
a younger brother but he's relatively insignificant for I rarely see him emerge
from his cave.
Abuse
This is a very difficult topic to write about but to
be honest, I've reached the stage that it should be brought to one's attention
and put forward as a huge issue in today's society. Too many people -
male and female - lose their virginity to rape. I'm one of those people.
I wouldn't say I was unfortunate, I don't ever want sympathy for having
such a thing happen to me nor do I want revenge on such a sick minded human
being. I understand its occurrence and accept that it happened - it can't
be changed.
On March 23rd 2013, I found myself in a situation I
couldn't quite comprehend. My vision was completely off and everything
hurt so badly that I can still feel the numbness now as I remember it. My
boyfriend at the time, I soon realised, had an issue with anger. Even
knowing this I am unable to understand the reason behind this vicious attack he
took on me. I was trapped in such an abusive relationships for the year
and a half following that before I finally worked up the courage to stand up
and end it there and then. Of course, there were so many horrible
feelings inside of me due to these events that my one option (from what I thought
at the time) was to just die and end the suffering and pain there and then.
Of course, I didn't. I wouldn't be writing this otherwise.
Upon ending that relationship, I will openly admit to feeling very lost
and alone and so, in my stupidity, I ended up leaning on another for support.
This relationship turned out to be full of, not abusive actions, but
forceful actions. The pressure I was put under to have sex made me feel
vulnerable and again my mental stability was tested numerous times. The
pain I had felt took over me once again, this time for eight months before I
ended it. And I'm glad I ended it, otherwise I would most likely not be
here writing this right now.
Drugs
In my times of desperation and pain, there was nothing
to make me feel happy or worth something. I craved happiness, to be
pain-free, even if it was for a mere hour or two. This is why I took
drugs. Now, we aren't talking about a drag of a joint or a can of
Guinness, no. The first drug I took was MDMA. I don't have an
addictive personality as I've learned through this experience. Th first
time I took it, I can remember nothing of the night. I don't remember
going home or waking up for that matter. The second time was great at
first. The guys I was with were a great laugh and there was no tension to
be feared. Unfortunately, one of these guys, unaware, caused everything
to go up in flames. Three of us got out together, the others I imagined
escaped another way - it was a park, after all. No, this was two years
ago, mid-summer. I'll be honest and say the only other time I touched
MDMA was five or six months ago. I regret every moment of that.
Mental Health
I have no idea where to begin in this however my
recent diagnosis' may be of more significance in comparison to the
details of my past issues so it is there that I will begin. Recently (as
in within the last few weeks) I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type
II. I have no idea how to feel about this but I'm accepting it a little
more than I did to begin with. On top of that, about two years ago I was
diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and only recently have I really begun to
recover from it. Anorexia has left me being underdeveloped, especially in
terms of height. I currently am four foot and ten inches tall with no
hope of that increasing whatsoever. I don't mind being so short but
knowing that I did such a thing as completely stop my development through
starvation does indeed anger me. I struggle with things sometimes, yes,
but I am well on the road of recovery. Will I ever look back? Yes,
but I'm happy to say I won't ever fall back into such a dark abyss unless I am
weakened to a larger degree than before which, considering the hell I've been
through to regain a "normal" life, is highly unlikely.
"Every morning we are born again. What we
do today is what matters most."
(Guatam Buddha)
-Ellie
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