Some things are more than difficult to talk about. It can be a
challenge we might never see ourselves stepping up to out of, perhaps, fear or
embarrassment or disapproval. Here's a story...
It's a decent day. The wind has picked up a little so you find
yourself stumbling for balance. It's almost a typical day in the town
and, as usual, you find yourself walking, laughing at the stupidity of the
first year boys in front of you as they dart out onto the road in front of cars
as you make your way out of school and towards your usual place for lunch.
There's a strange tension around you and your boyfriend but you ignore
it, figuring it to be something silly - just one of those stupid little
thoughts. Your boyfriend suddenly breaks the short silence that has been
uncomfortably held between the two of you. His suggestion is that you
join him in having lunch at his house - his mum is in. In your naivety,
you accept this sudden offer and find yourself at his front door within minutes
of your agreement. You were unaware that he lived so close to the school.
A sudden thought leaps into your head - you have homework. You are
sure of it but check the date anyway. March 23rd. Sure enough you
do. Making you jump out of your panic over your maths homework, your
boyfriend drags you into his house. The moment you were through the front
door, you find yourself being pulled into a room where the curtains are drawn.
You assume the reason he had disappeared only a moment ago was to draw
them, you just don't understand why. You shiver. Something is cold
about the room, an eerie coolness complete with the most deafening silence you
have ever experienced. The next few minutes pass in a complete blur and
you find your body colder than it had been seconds ago. It must be air
conditioning or perhaps the heating has cut out, you think. You know why
but you don't want to know. You felt your shirt being ripped from your
body and any other fabric that followed it, you were sure had torn even
slightly. The coolness wraps around you like a blanket yet it gives no comfort.
It sends you into a fit of shivering while the darkened figure looming
over you chuckles evilly. Again, whatever happened next is a blur.
No detail could be remembered from such an experience. You walk
back to school, his arm rough and tight around your waist. He has a smirk
plastered to his face. You don't like it. You so desperately wish
you could just slap such a smug look clean from his face. Quickly, you
force the thought out of your head and carry on like nothing has happened.
The pain you faced on that walk and for the remaining hour of the day was
unbearable. And to make everything worse, for the days, months, years
following such an attack, you could remember it all. Everything you felt,
you can still feel. Everything you saw, you can't unsee. Everything
you hear - the grunting, the chuckling, your own screams - you can hear it
everywhere you go. You don't just have triggers, it never leaves.
It won't leave you alone. Imagine a life where you're scared of
everything. Imagine going through this and coming out the other end in
the hope that you'll be okay but...you don't reach the level of being 'okay'.
You come out shaken and worn and a completely different person. You can't
trust anyone now. You can't speak to anyone. You can't let yourself
get too close to anyone. You can't face school anymore because now you
have to see him every day. Two years. Two years you spend fighting
away these thoughts while he attacks you more. It hurts more every time
as you try to stop him but when you're so small and weak in comparison, there
really is very little that you can do in the way of stopping. You
suddenly - and stupidly - find yourself being too scared to ask for help and
then you get worse and your mental stability slips dramatically. You find
suicide to be your only way out and those around you don't seem to care either
way. So what do you do? You try. You try. You try.
And you try again. Everything that runs through your head on the
way home on March 23rd 2013 pushes you to the limit. You want to cry but
you don't want to seem weak. You think it won't happen and that you can
walk out of the situation. Two years later and you run. In fear,
entirely. You run from him, from his anger, from his strength, out of
fear. It seems too fake to be real but you know...you know it is real.
You know that the day you were attacked by the person who let you in.
You know you won't ever forget this day. You know you were raped
and you know it's never going to be undone. Because when something so
precious is gone, it can't be given back. These thoughts haunt you and
you know you'll never experience sex the way you should. You know it's
going to be horribly hard. You think you're done, you think you're better
off dead. The thoughts are so strong, you start to believe that others
thinks so too. And so the spiral begins...
I've spent an hour basically throwing up words on paper and transferring this onto my laptop. I understand that it might not make sense in some places and it does jump about in terms of time but that is exactly what happened to my mind. This is a true story - this is my story. This is the introduction of the stage in my life where I ended up incredibly sick. It's not enjoyable to read and it was most certainly not enjoyable to write but I hope it gives some sort of an idea as to a) for people I know reading this, what actually happened and b) for anyone reading this, what it's like. I could have written so much more but due to time and horse commitments I had to cut it short.
If you have experienced any form of sexual assault, sexual harassment,
child sexual abuse or exploitation or FGM whether it be years in the past or
recently, there is always the option to report but never allow
yourself to be forced into reporting such a crime if you feel uncomfortable.
Also, never force someone to report it unless you feel like they are in
imminent danger of a similar attack happening again (e.g. they still live with
an abusive partner).
There's always someone to speak to regardless of your age. Someone will listen and someone will help you to breathe and regain control of your life. You don't have to be afraid of living.
