Wednesday 25th November 2015

Here's to everyone who's still here regardless of their mental stability right now.

Here's to everyone who has survived sexual assault of any and every kind.

Here's to everyone who is fighting with themselves everyday because they can't forget what happened to them.

Here's to every one of the survivors, the fighters, the warriors.

Here's to everyone who is still fighting, hurting, crying, struggling but living.

Because sexual assault isn't easy to deal with.

Because the aftermath can be just as bad.

Because the first time some people were raped, they lost their partner due to allegations of cheating.  Because rape is considered a joke.  Because over 70% of women allow their partners sex when they don't want it.  Because 17% of American women are victims of sexual assault from some point in their lives.  Because only 39% of rapists are reported and only 3% go to jail.  Because 13% of rape victims commit suicide.  Because people are threatened with their lives into unconsented sex.  Because people say it isn't rape and that you can't report it because you "didn't say no".  Because a lot of babies born to minor women are those of older men.  Because women can't be free to wear what they want without being told they're "asking for it".  Because going to parties in a skirt and having people touch you inappropriately wouldn't happen if you had worn jeans.  Because some people have to watch their rapist go free because they had an orgasm while being raped.  Because guys who are raped by women at young ages "should be happy" about getting laid at such a young age.  Because it isn't rape if you're gay.  Because boys can walk out at all hours but girls can't.  Because lesbians can't be raped if he was only trying to "make her straight to make her parents happy".  Because in some cultures children are thrown out of their families due to being sexually assaulted.  Because girls are taught to walk faster at night.  Because boys are solely blamed for rape.

Because I have to tell you why I'm angry.

Because rape isn't cheating.  Because rape isn't a joke.   Because women shouldn't give in to overly controlling partners.  Because sexual assault is too common.  Because people are too scared to speak up and report rapists.  Because not enough are punished. Because no one should ever want to end their life due to someone else's horrific actions.  Because no one should be threatened into sex.  Because you don't have to say no for it to be rape.  Because older men shouldn't groom or harm young girls nevermind impregnate them and ruin their next years in life.  Because wearing a skirt is normal.  Because no one should touch you inappropriately anyway.  Because your clothing does not determine whether you're "asking for it".  Because having an orgasm doesn't mean that you weren't raped.  Because guys shouldn't be forced into sex either, I matter their age.  Because graving sec so young isn't an acheivement.  Because rape still happens if you're gay.  Because boys can get raped just as often as girls. Because it's still rape even if you say you're trying to "help" make someone a "better person" for their parents.  Because no child should be thrown out due to someone else's actions.  Because girls should be allowed to relax on walking at night.  Because boys aren't solely to blame for rape.

Because I was raped.

Because I know how it feels.

Because I know I will never be fully understood by someone who hasn't been sexually assaulted.

Because I know people, I have met people who suffer like me.  People who struggle each day worse than me because someone has hurt them, killed them inside.  The journey to a future is longhand painful as you need to let go of your past and that is more than a challenge, more than difficult.

So don't tell me

that I need to "get over it"

that I need to "sort out my priorities"

that I'm "over reacting"

that I'm "fine"

that I should report it right now

that I should tell someone right now

that I should forget about it

that I should look at the better things

that boys rape girls and girls aren't capable

that girls are weak

that you can't be raped if you're gay

that you can't be raped if you're a lesbian

that if you didn't say no then it isn't rape

that sexual assault isn't a big deal

Think before you make a statement.

Think before you make someone feel worse.

That percentage of people in the workd who suffer every day from sexual assault whether it's the memories or its happening right now, they need you to stand up and understand that it is most certainly not easy for us.  The easiest part is going through it.  Coming out the other end is hard.  The rest of your life is hard.

So think.

Think long and hard.

Because anyone around you could be affected by sexual assault.

Anyone.

Sunday 8th November 2015

This photograph was taken by myself during July 2015 in Thailand.  Every morning and every evening I would sit out on the trees or on the beach and watch the sun rise and set.  For those moments I felt like the only person in existence.  I felt like nothing could harm me and, while the world moved on, I remained stationary.  I have never felt that way since then and I'm glad because I would never appreciate it the same.  Those few moments were enough to fuels a small beginning to my recovery and give my life a push (or a shove) in a better direction.

Onwards and Upwards.

Saturday 24th October 2015

Some things are more than difficult to talk about.  It can be a challenge we might never see ourselves stepping up to out of, perhaps, fear or embarrassment or disapproval.  Here's a story...

It's a decent day.  The wind has picked up a little so you find yourself stumbling for balance.  It's almost a typical day in the town and, as usual, you find yourself walking, laughing at the stupidity of the first year boys in front of you as they dart out onto the road in front of cars as you make your way out of school and towards your usual place for lunch.  There's a strange tension around you and your boyfriend but you ignore it, figuring it to be something silly - just one of those stupid little thoughts.  Your boyfriend suddenly breaks the short silence that has been uncomfortably held between the two of you.  His suggestion is that you join him in having lunch at his house - his mum is in.  In your naivety, you accept this sudden offer and find yourself at his front door within minutes of your agreement.  You were unaware that he lived so close to the school.  A sudden thought leaps into your head - you have homework.  You are sure of it but check the date anyway.  March 23rd.  Sure enough you do.  Making you jump out of your panic over your maths homework, your boyfriend drags you into his house.  The moment you were through the front door, you find yourself being pulled into a room where the curtains are drawn.  You assume the reason he had disappeared only a moment ago was to draw them, you just don't understand why.  You shiver.  Something is cold about the room, an eerie coolness complete with the most deafening silence you have ever experienced.  The next few minutes pass in a complete blur and you find your body colder than it had been seconds ago. It must be air conditioning or perhaps the heating has cut out, you think.  You know why but you don't want to know.  You felt your shirt being ripped from your body and any other fabric that followed it, you were sure had torn even slightly. The coolness wraps around you like a blanket yet it gives no comfort.  It sends you into a fit of shivering while the darkened figure looming over you chuckles evilly.  Again, whatever happened next is a blur.  No detail could be remembered from such an experience.  You walk back to school, his arm rough and tight around your waist.  He has a smirk plastered to his face.  You don't like it.  You so desperately wish you could just slap such a smug look clean from his face.  Quickly, you force the thought out of your head and carry on like nothing has happened.  The pain you faced on that walk and for the remaining hour of the day was unbearable.  And to make everything worse, for the days, months, years following such an attack, you could remember it all.  Everything you felt, you can still feel.  Everything you saw, you can't unsee.  Everything you hear - the grunting, the chuckling, your own screams - you can hear it everywhere you go.  You don't just have triggers, it never leaves.  It won't leave you alone.  Imagine a life where you're scared of everything.  Imagine going through this and coming out the other end in the hope that you'll be okay but...you don't reach the level of being 'okay'.  You come out shaken and worn and a completely different person. You can't trust anyone now.  You can't speak to anyone.  You can't let yourself get too close to anyone.  You can't face school anymore because now you have to see him every day.  Two years.  Two years you spend fighting away these thoughts while he attacks you more.  It hurts more every time as you try to stop him but when you're so small and weak in comparison, there really is very little that you can do in the way of stopping.  You suddenly - and stupidly - find yourself being too scared to ask for help and then you get worse and your mental stability slips dramatically.  You find suicide to be your only way out and those around you don't seem to care either way.  So what do you do?  You try.  You try.  You try.  And you try again.  Everything that runs through your head on the way home on March 23rd 2013 pushes you to the limit.  You want to cry but you don't want to seem weak.  You think it won't happen and that you can walk out of the situation.  Two years later and you run.  In fear, entirely.  You run from him, from his anger, from his strength, out of fear.  It seems too fake to be real but you know...you know it is real.  You know that the day you were attacked by the person who let you in.  You know you won't ever forget this day.  You know you were raped and you know it's never going to be undone.  Because when something so precious is gone, it can't be given back.  These thoughts haunt you and you know you'll never experience sex the way you should.  You know it's going to be horribly hard.  You think you're done, you think you're better off dead.  The thoughts are so strong, you start to believe that others thinks so too.  And so the spiral begins...

I've spent an hour basically throwing up words on paper and transferring this onto my laptop.  I understand that it might not make sense in some places and it does jump about in terms of time but that is exactly what happened to my mind.  This is a true story - this is my story.  This is the introduction of the stage in my life where I ended up incredibly sick.  It's not enjoyable to read and it was most certainly not enjoyable to write but I hope it gives some sort of an idea as to a) for people I know reading this, what actually happened and b) for anyone reading this, what it's like.  I could have written so much more but due to time and horse commitments I had to cut it short.

If you have experienced any form of sexual assault, sexual harassment, child sexual abuse or exploitation or FGM whether it be years in the past or recently, there is always the option to report but never allow yourself to be forced into reporting such a crime if you feel uncomfortable.  Also, never force someone to report it unless you feel like they are in imminent danger of a similar attack happening again (e.g. they still live with an abusive partner).

There's always someone to speak to regardless of your age.  Someone will listen and someone will help you to breathe and regain control of your life.  You don't have to be afraid of living.

Friday 9th October 2015

Welcome to my blog.

I have no idea how to introduce myself but I'm going to give it a go anyway.

You can enjoy this first post, I suppose.  It will be nothing more than an partial explanation of myself and what has made me who I currently am.

The Basics

It's always a great idea to begin with the basics. My name is Ellie, or Eli.  I'm genderfluid so don't be surprised if I sign posts with fluctuating names.  Some say I'm well-spoken for a fifteen-year-old state school student but I see no reason for that being said.  In person I'm your typical west of Scotland adolescent with a knowledge of all the slang terms, therefore a well-spoken student is not exactly an accurate assumption.  As previously stated, I live on the west coast of Scotland, specifically in North Ayrshire.  It's not the nicest area in Scotland if I'm honest.  You can ask anyone who lives nearby and they'll just cry.  There are no words that can explain the pain of living in such an area.  Although I live in Ayrshire now, I was born in the Veil of Leven in Dumbarton and spent my first two years (and nine months if we're being specific) in Oban which is where my dad is from.  My parents thought of it as a great idea to move from a place filled with nature and stillness to a place where there's a drug raid every second night - nice.  On to another entirely pointless fact about me: my birthday is on November 18th (1999).  It is also the day my dad locked himself out of his car with my gran (mum's mum) - Well Done Father.  I also have a younger brother but he's relatively insignificant for I rarely see him emerge from his cave.

Abuse

This is a very difficult topic to write about but to be honest, I've reached the stage that it should be brought to one's attention and put forward as a huge issue in today's society.  Too many people - male and female - lose their virginity to rape.  I'm one of those people.  I wouldn't say I was unfortunate, I don't ever want sympathy for having such a thing happen to me nor do I want revenge on such a sick minded human being.  I understand its occurrence and accept that it happened - it can't be changed.

On March 23rd 2013, I found myself in a situation I couldn't quite comprehend.  My vision was completely off and everything hurt so badly that I can still feel the numbness now as I remember it.  My boyfriend at the time, I soon realised, had an issue with anger.  Even knowing this I am unable to understand the reason behind this vicious attack he took on me.  I was trapped in such an abusive relationships for the year and a half following that before I finally worked up the courage to stand up and end it there and then.  Of course, there were so many horrible feelings inside of me due to these events that my one option (from what I thought at the time) was to just die and end the suffering and pain there and then.  Of course, I didn't.  I wouldn't be writing this otherwise.  Upon ending that relationship, I will openly admit to feeling very lost and alone and so, in my stupidity, I ended up leaning on another for support.  This relationship turned out to be full of, not abusive actions, but forceful actions.  The pressure I was put under to have sex made me feel vulnerable and again my mental stability was tested numerous times.  The pain I had felt took over me once again, this time for eight months before I ended it.  And I'm glad I ended it, otherwise I would most likely not be here writing this right now.

Drugs

In my times of desperation and pain, there was nothing to make me feel happy or worth something.  I craved happiness, to be pain-free, even if it was for a mere hour or two.  This is why I took drugs.  Now, we aren't talking about a drag of a joint or a can of Guinness, no.  The first drug I took was MDMA.  I don't have an addictive personality as I've learned through this experience.  Th first time I took it, I can remember nothing of the night.  I don't remember going home or waking up for that matter.  The second time was great at first.  The guys I was with were a great laugh and there was no tension to be feared.  Unfortunately, one of these guys, unaware, caused everything to go up in flames.  Three of us got out together, the others I imagined escaped another way - it was a park, after all.  No, this was two years ago, mid-summer.  I'll be honest and say the only other time I touched MDMA was five or six months ago.  I regret every moment of that.

Mental Health

I have no idea where to begin in this however my recent diagnosis' may be of more significance in  comparison to the details of my past issues so it is there that I will begin.  Recently (as in within the last few weeks) I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II.  I have no idea how to feel about this but I'm accepting it a little more than I did to begin with.  On top of that, about two years ago I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and only recently have I really begun to recover from it.  Anorexia has left me being underdeveloped, especially in terms of height.  I currently am four foot and ten inches tall with no hope of that increasing whatsoever.  I don't mind being so short but knowing that I did such a thing as completely stop my development through starvation does indeed anger me.  I struggle with things sometimes, yes, but I am well on the road of recovery.  Will I ever look back?  Yes, but I'm happy to say I won't ever fall back into such a dark abyss unless I am weakened to a larger degree than before which, considering the hell I've been through to regain a "normal" life, is highly unlikely.

"Every morning we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most."

(Guatam Buddha)

-Ellie